Sex!

 

 

It is the most wonderful, uplifting and glorious experience that most human
beings will ever experience in this life. When two people, in a loving
committed relationship, engage in sexual intimacy, where both are giving in
a way that creates a synergy, where they both receive far more than what
they are giving. Sexual intimacy has the power to create bonds greater than
anything comprehended on the physical level. It can also be the most
degrading, disgusting, humiliating, and or horrifying experience when it is
taken by force, deception, and or without a sense of deep and lasting love,
via commitment.

Women who experience rape face a gauntlet of mental and emotional trauma, as
well as that of repressed feelings. I read that 13% of the women who have
been raped commit suicide. I am certain that anyone who gives themselves
sexually to another and then, for whatever reason, end up feel rejected or
betrayed goes through the same trauma, only on a smaller scale. Considering
the prominence of sexual activity there must be very few that are not
holding something inside of themselves in the form of repressed feelings,
things that cannot or dare not feel.

There is something in sex that goes far beyond the physical realm. There is
something in the human genitalia that goes beyond that of simply being
another part of our bodies. It something we use to connect with another,
and in that connection with the other, we have the opportunity to find a
greater connection with ourselves, and a fulfillment that makes us more
alive. It is in sex that the process of creation takes place. Not only the
creation of another human body, but also the creation within the engaging
parties of a deeper, more connected, healthier, happier, self. Conversely
when sex (the gift of self) is taken on a basis of duplicity or force, there
is something within us that is lost; some part of ourselves that we begin to
become disconnected from.

Erich Fromm in his book, The Art of Loving put forth love as the ultimate
need and desire of all human beings. Sexual intimacy can be the ultimate in
fulfilling that need, but it can also do the opposite by telling us that we
are unworthy of love. If we were worthy of love our partner in sexual
intimacy would love and honor us by staying with us always and not be moving
on to their next sexual partner and conquest.

Sexual intimacy will always do one of two things; tell you how worthy you
are of anothers love, or how unworthy you are of love. Those people who
have sex without requiring, or desiring, connectedness or commitment have
been made unworthy. In some way they have been told they are unworthy of
love, to the point that they dare not feel for it is too painful to know our
own unworthiness of such an essential need. The only people who can have
sex without love are those people so disconnected from themselves, that they
cannot feel the guilt. The pleasure of sex they equate to love, and it is
as close as they can get to it. As such it sex becomes a drug, a fix, an
addiction used to try and fill the aching hole within them that cries out
for love. This need and disconnectedness gives them the ability, seemingly
without guilt, to create the trauma in others that they are playing out in
their own lives.

It is like sex is an open, yet secret, gate; a gate which can swing two
ways, one way towards life, and the other towards death. In Cypher in the
Snow a boy falls down in the snow and dies for no physical reason; later it
is explained how babies given everything needed to keep their physical
bodies alive died because they didn't receive affection. Babies died
without love.

When we talk of sex we need to understand that our life does not simply
exist within these hollow walls of flesh. There is more to us that flesh
and bone. If we could clearly comprehend all that is us we could easily see
that sexual intimacy, without love or emotional intimacy diminishes the
human spirit, just as sex with love increases it.

Religion and Science are supposed to be locked in a hopeless struggle one
against the other, but I know it isn't true. I say that because both seek
of truth, and are repositories of the same. It is only in false religion,
and in false science that the struggle exists. Both falsehoods engender
lies, lies that will die, just as that which is not true will fade away to
nothing, just as sexual intimacy that is not true will fade away as though
it never was. True religion and true science will not only substantiate
each other but give each other more to build upon; just as true sexual
intimacy does in making more of the two engulfed within it.

Sex is a subject that is in many ways hidden and tucked; but again, there is
probably no other subject so widely focused on by the media. I doubt if
there is any other subject so controversial as that of sex, especially if
you consider not just it, but those issues that are innately tied to it.
And how can you really look at a subject, comprehensively, if you have not
taken into consideration the effects that flow from it. In this area of
effects I have failed to find openness and objectivity on anyone's part. In
the religious setting there seems to be an unwillingness to hardly
acknowledge sex; except perhaps on a detached and impersonal level. God
help us if we should actually admit to having perverted, filthy, sexual
thoughts, longings, and lusts. On the other hand the secular world has
become evangelical in its indoctrination of the populace via the media and
scholastic settings. Don't you know that sex is normal and everyone normal
should be doing it? Yet both are guilty of holding back information;
information critical for those who are, or would be, passing through the
gate to life or death.

Religiously there seems to be this naive hope that if sex is never talked
about or discussed, young or unmarried, people will simply not know that it
exists. Granted talking about sex can be a stimulus to go out and do it,
but in the right setting and in the right way this feared stimulus can be
minimal. If there is only a chance that I am correct about sexual intimacy
being a gate to life or death shouldn't that be essential for those entering
adulthood to know? Shouldn't sexual understanding be a part of the
knowledge that people acquire as their hormones begin to bubble and their
desires begin to lead them toward a vortex that can suck them into an alien
world unfamiliar to them? Be that knowledge given to them in religious
jargon, or in psychological terms; irregardless of the language the elements
of truth would remain the same. And that truth must contain within it the
mental and emotional, the psychological and spiritual aspects of giving, not
simply a fleshly part of your body to another to share, but in a way the
deepest and most sacred part of who you are. The essence of, and the most
intimate you. Because if these things are not understood then the physical
desires for sexual fulfillment can override the need to protect and keep the
quintessential you as a gift to someone who will take the gift with awe and
gratitude thus forming within the giver that who and what they are is of
infinite worth; forming a bond between the two that is not easily destroyed.

The most essential element needed for mental and emotional health is to love
ourselves. To possess self-esteem and respect; to be able to celebrate who
and what we are. There are many religiously who cannot celebrate human life
as that would be contrary to the scriptures which tell us we are nothing.
Nor can the sexual experience be celebrated as it brings out our carnal and
devilish nature. How could anyone raised in this kind of religious
environment ever come to love who and what they are; especially as they
begin to experience sexual awakenings? What feelings of guilt, depression,
and self-loathing must exist in the hearts and minds of those feel
contaminated by such thoughts which go beyond the power of veto? If God is
good then how can He, being good, create anything that is not also good?
What a difference could be made if people were taught to celebrate the
sexual awakenings within them? To begin to understand their entering into
adulthood and the responsibilities and wonders that are, or will be, theirs.
Can God be pleased with those who are embarrassed by His gift, or worse
still, despise it?

Alfred Kinsey, famous for his sexual research in the 40's, failed to uncover
the most pertinent of all sexual information; what does the sexual
experience create . His associate Wardell Pomeroy stated that he and
Kinsey, "went on the broad assumption that everyone had done everything."
Simply put they had a hypothesis and set out to prove it. Kinsey's
biographers concluded that he "was driven by a desire to. justify his own
sexual compulsions." In the movie Kinsey he basically states that his
findings are that everyone is doing it, and because everyone is doing it, it
shouldn't be considered wrong. I'm using Kinsey because he expresses the
mentality of the world at large.

What can sexual intimacy create? I have personally seen a man go to pieces
after the woman he was living with decided to leave. A woman told me, "I
gave him my saved virginity at age 24 as a gift to show him I wanted to stay
with him always. He told me in actions and in words it meant nothing. He
demanded sex his way after that for 5 years. Oscillating from, "it should
just be desire, physical desire;" to (when I had trouble with hormonal birth
control and infections from that, to having trouble with the condoms) him
telling me I would not be able to abort if I got pregnant. But he wouldn't
have been able to support me at all; and as a teacher being pregnant and
unmarried would have been a death sentence. So I spent years having sex in
fear. It screwed with me so bad I couldn't say no to the next four men that
took me for themselves; none of them stayed. They went to the next
women...right after...right in front of me. I was suppose to be ok with
that and remain friends, which I did, and suppress my hurt and confusion.
Now I loath my body completely because it's all that anyone ever wanted. I
have been in the clinics many times hoping I haven't contracted something
permanent and hoping the urine tests came out ok. I was ALONE!" . I had a
woman I loved leave me after fourteen years. I lived through a car wreck
that nearly took my life with the bone in my right leg poking through the
skin; but I never really knew suffering until she left me. I could have
lost a leg and still considered myself complete as a person, but when she
left there was a part of my soul that was missing. I was not whole or
complete anymore. I was a piece of trash that any woman could picked up out
of the gutter and have for her own, because that made me feel wanted and
alive.

I'm not a Kinsey, I don't have a PhD., but do I need one? Sometimes I think
people who spend their lives in books fail to comprehend the reality of life
that exists with common people who have that inner knowledge called common
sense. Sometimes I think people like Kinsey are so smart that they are
stupid. If everyone doing something makes it alright then why don't we
still use DDT. Everyone was using it, and it was great until we realized
that it was getting everywhere, and that we had to stop if we didn't want to
end up killing ourselves. If what the majority is doing is automatically
right what should I conclude after hearing the radio say that two out of
three people are thieves? Does that automatically make stealing right?
Just because everyone is having sex doesn't make it right. There are a
myriad voices that cry out their pain. To be married to, and have sexual
intimacy with one person who loves and adores you; one person who hears the
news of a forthcoming child with gladness and joy; one person who you can
count on to be there for you always; where is the downside? The opposite
cannot be said. Fear of pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, fear of
being alone, fear of not really being loved for who you are but only for
your genitals, fear that you are unworthy of love, fear that you have no
value, and fear that the pain may get so great that death looks good
compared with life. That is one hell of a downside!

I am not promoting marital versus non-marital relationships per se,
because marriage to me is like having a car sitting out front of the house.
Everyone can see it, but that doesn't mean the fool that owns it knows how
to put fuel in, start the ignition, put it into gear, or steer it down the
highway. Many, so called, marriages are more like torture chambers that
people with religious convictions or feelings of unworthiness are trapped
in. Marriage is supposed to be a committed relationship where not only
physical bodies are shared but hopes, dreams, as well as mental and
emotional anguish. Life and love must innately be a part of any sexual
connection in order for it to be a marriage. indeed that is what marriage
is. A piece of paper will not a marriage make, and that is just as
important a bit of information for people to have as that of, sex without
commitment will cause psychological damage. People have to know what a
marriage s supposed to be, and what sexual intimacy is supposed to
accomplish otherwise they will keep doing the destructive things that hurt
themselves and others. Neither science or religion desire to keep people
trapped in their pain.

I know there are people who will not agree with me; and I know I will never
be able to prove my points. But that is not because my points are
un-provable. It is because people will believe what they desire to believe
irregardless of evidence or reason. Sex being more stimulating than
abstentia, and multiple and continuing partners more enticing than one
committed partner; many will simply desire to believe that I am wrong. It
simply has to do with the heart.

We can easily comprehend the term "the desires of our hearts," but no one
uses the term "the desires of our intellect." If the desires of ones heart
are based on truth and right they will lead the intellect to pursue of those
desires. Likewise, if the desires of the heart are based on sex; those
desires will lead the intellect in its pursuit of sex.

When we want something bad enough we rationalize, or warp, twist, tweak
whatever we have to so that what we want becomes rational to us. We engage
our intellect in pursuit of our desires, be they good or bad. Now the
intellect has the ability to restrain the heart based on its understanding.
Through understanding the intellect can rule over the heart, but.. but. only
upon the willingness of the heart to acquiesce to the intellects
understanding.

There is a bond between the heart and mind that is inseparable. The only
possibility, in my mind, of there being a separation of the two would be
with the mentally ill. The heart leads, but the intellect governs; in them
we can comprehend what the union of marriage should be, and also check to
see if there is imbalance.

When two people are truly in love and decide to engage in sexual intimacy
without a marriage ceremony that does not mean they are wrong. it only means
they are not taking a scientific approach. No true scientist is going to
conclude that his hypothesis or theory is correct without testing it.
People who jump in the sack are concluding they are in love without giving
themselves some sort of test to make sure. They are certain they are in
love, but are they really? Everything they feel tells them that this is
love. Everything within them tells them they were meant to be together.
Listen to the words of love songs: "If I'm not made for you then why does my
heart tell me that I am?" "No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be.
The only one for me is you, and you for me." "I don't care who you are,
what you've done, as long as you love me." The feelings of love, and the
feelings of wanting to be in love, are exactly the same. There is only one
difference. The reality of love does not fade or disappear with the
dawning. When two people decide to get married and begin to plan for a
wedding the testing begins. As the begin talking about family, friends,
jobs and or careers, housing; when parents, relatives, and friends start
getting closely involved many people conclude that their love is not enough.
That is why marriage is a more scientific approach to sexually intimate,
committed, marital type relationships.

It is people who do not love themselves enough, and thus no one else, to
make a marriage who will argue for sexual freedom. If they were honest they
would know they were not arguing for sexual freedom but for sexual
irresponsibility. There is only one sure fire guarantee of non-pregnancy
for a woman, and that is abstentia. Whenever a woman gives her body to a
man sexually, even with contraceptives, there is always the chance that she
will conceive a child. Men and women both are guilty, and they should feel
it, when they are willing to gamble that their pleasure of the moment will
not create a child (that will need them both to be responsible in caring for
and raising it); a child they are unwilling to be responsible for.

To destroy tissue inside ones body may seem like the perfect solution, but
there are women who have suffered deeply after having done so. Other women
may claim to feel no emotional or mental distress over abortion; but
considering other women's traumatic experiences, isn't it more logical to
believe that they have simply repressed their emotions? The fact that does
exist is that women who do not have abortions don't take the chance of
psychological scarring.

People who preech sexual freedom are really saying let's play sexual
roulette. Let's spin the wheel and play this dangerous game. Who can say
it is not a dangerous game? We used DDT thinking it was benefiting us, but
there was a downside. Have we come so far, has our understanding come to
the point that we can know that sex outside marriage (committed
relationship) is not innately harmful psychologically or spiritually when
there are ample examples of the destructive mental and emotional scarring it
has caused?

What are the differences that exists between a woman who has a man who is
committed to her in ways that go far beyond sex, and who hears the news of
her carrying his child with joy and happiness; and the woman who has
conceived by a man who hears the news with dark looks of disgust or despair?
On the one hand the woman has given the man she loves the greatest gift she
can ever give to him; on the other a burden he did not seek and does not
want, but one that he is innately responsible for. On the one hand the
woman is loved for all she is; on the other, her genitals seem to be the
only part of her that was desired. And what about the children that do
come?

Can you understand the feelings of Bobby Darin, in the movie Beyond the Sea,
when he finds out his real mother is the woman he always thought of as his
sister? Can you understand the feelings of Bobby Darin when he asks his
sister/mother who his father is and she is unable to answer him, because she
was dating a lot of boys at that time. When guys date girls who put out,
and think they have done nothing wrong because she gave herself willingly,
they are wrong. It is worse still when men become so callous as to make sex
a game to play for points so they can keep score to see who wins this week
or next month. Is a woman 3 points because she's blonde, or 2 points
because she's brunette? Is a woman worth more because she's younger? We
improve with age, or at least we can. How can anyone who loves a woman want
her to look in the mirror and feel she will be less deserving of love
because she is beginning to develop wrinkles? Yet these things come with
sexual freedom, co called.

Can you understand the pain that comes
into a woman or man's life when their sexual partner is through with them?
Sex is bonding. It simply is. The only people who can have sex and move on
are those people who cannot connect to someone else because they are not
connected even to themselves. If I had a PhD and funding to determine all I
say there will always be those who will not agree, because in their hearts
they are unwilling to see the hurt and suffering that comes with sexual
misconduct. No one can have uncommitted sex with out creating, in
themselves, to some degree, the act of deleting themselves. God isn't up
there saying things just to be saying them, His commandments are there to
help protect us; and that is exactly what they would ever do if they weren't
misunderstood and or misinterpreted. Take all of the above
into consideration and then see if you can understand the feelings of a man
who holds in his arms a woman who wants him for always. A woman in whose
heart the song is still singing after years have gone by, "If I'm not made
for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?" Whose pleasure doesn't
just come from her sexual experience, but from the one she is giving to him
as well. Who is happy just because he is near. What kind of value must
this man feel? What kind of value does the woman have who understands that
her husband looks at her as his most precious possession, yet does not try
to possess her; but loves her as if she were a goddess or a queen? What is
the joy of these two as they contemplate the arrival of a child yet unborn?
Yet we live in a society where rape, spouse and child abuse and molestation
are common. It can be argued that sexual permissiveness are not a factor in
the above abuses, but I believe they are. As long as the media via
television, magazines, etc. sell women as sex objects, and sexual intimacy
without commitment; and schools pass out condoms young adults will hear the
message loud and clear that they were created for sexual expression and use.

They will learn to fear pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, but
feel the use of contraceptives and condoms will protect them from the same.
Classrooms may teach abstinence or use of contraceptives, but with only the
physical issues being discussed young people will have a dark void within
them. Until the understanding of sex and how it affects us psychologically
are taught, young people will continue to enter into an alien and hostile
world, cruel and destructive. Unless the need for love and value are taught
and included in what sexual intimacy should consist of, people will fail to
gain all from sex what it was created to give.

It is life itself to those who come to understand it and use it in the way
it was intended. It is only in this way that true sexual freedom will exist
as two become one without guilt, without fear, without sin. in completeness
and wholeness. We need to understand that that which is termed sexual
freedom is actually sexual irresponsibility, and or addiction, and always
destructive as it takes from men and women their sense of value, their
self-love or self-esteem, and with some, their very lives. Who can fail to
see that sexual intimacy should be connected to love the ultimate need and
desire of all human beings?

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